Most seasoned executives know what to do when they have a challenging direct report: coach them, try to help them, and if that doesn’t work, manage them out.
But how do you handle a difficult peer, especially when your success depends on them?
In my two decades as an executive coach, this is consistently one of the thorniest problems I see leaders face. It shows up often in the C-suite, but also at every level. In some cases, the peer is political, negative, controlling, or otherwise poor at collaborating. In others, they may simply be low performers.
Whatever the case, these steps can help you chart a more productive path forward.
(1) Invest in relationships with peers before you need them. Ashley Magargee, CEO of Genentech, recently referred to a full-day leadership team meeting as “preventative medicine for team health.” She said, “Because when the decision is tough, the problem is messy or the goal is ambitious, it matters who you’re working through it with. People you trust…..That kind of trust doesn’t just happen. You build it over time. And ideally, you invest in it before you need it most.” Because friction in senior leadership teams is almost universal, intentionally building relationships there provides the grease that keeps the top of the company functioning well. The same is true at every level.
Even if your relationship is strained, it may not be too late to invest. Your peer may welcome a fresh start with you, especially if you make the first move. A regular meal together, traveling together to an event, or more frequent meetings that do not get cancelled can begin to build a foundation beneath your relationship. Importantly, you don’t have to start by tackling the problem head-on. Warming the overall climate of the relationship will make additional strategies more effective.
(2) Understand your peer’s world. A peer can be difficult for many reasons, some of which aren’t entirely obvious. They may be struggling with underlying organizational problems. They may lack resources. They may have been asked to prioritize projects that don’t intersect well with your interests. Your jobs may overlap or compete, creating underlying structural friction that boils over into impersonal tension. There may be a personal issue, like a divorce or illness.
Of course it may also be true that your peer has real weaknesses; but do not form an overall judgement of them based on those. Suspend judgment. Invest time with them so you are able to form a more nuanced, complex view of them in their totality. Influence starts with knowing your audience, not judging them.
(3) Talk with your peer, but be careful how you do it. Knowing how to raise concerns directly with your peer is more art than science. But often there is much to gain by doing so, provided you do it in a thoughtful way.
Giving feedback is a good place to begin. Start not by thinking of what to say, but by analyzing whether you have feedback for your peer that is based on evidence, and whether giving it may actually help.
Many leaders, including seasoned executives, are nervous about making things worse by giving feedback. If you decide it’s worth trying, I recommend investing time to carefully prepare for the conversation. My favorite model involves not just sharing your peer’s behaviors, but also laying out the ways their behavior impacts you and your team, and making a specific request for what you’d like instead.
Remember that feedback exists in the context of a relationship. If you have trust with your peer, they’ll listen more. Also, they may have feedback for you. It’s helpful to enter the dialogue open to the idea that you may have contributed to the state of your relationship, and that you can help make things better through a change in your behavior.
(4) Strike the right tone with your manager. Your boss may not see the problem as you do. What you see as a difficult or incompetent peer, they may see as an interpersonal conflict. Your peer may manage up so well that the real problem is invisible from above. Or your manager may not want to take sides.
If your manager knows you have (or are working towards) a strong relationship with your peer, they will be more likely to believe what you say about that peer. By contrast, if you openly criticize your peer, the concerns you raise to your manager will be diluted. It’s easy to discount concerns that are raised by someone’s foe.
The decision of whether or not to raise concerns about your peer to your manager is a delicate one. On one hand, your manager may not have all the facts. So there may be a strong business reason for you to raise concerns. On the other hand, being critical about your peer to a boss is always a political act, no matter how deftly it’s done.
Before you talk to your manager, ask yourself these questions:
(a) How thoroughly have I assessed the situation?
(b) How emotionally charged or biased am I?
(c) If the situation were reversed, what would I want my peer to do?
(d) What action on my part is best for the company as a whole?
(e) If I were my manager, how would I want my direct report to handle this?
Honest reflection can shine light on the path forward.
(5) Work around your peer as a last resort. While it shouldn’t be your go-to solution, in some cases it may be your only option.
Look for other avenues for work to get done — for example by working via their direct reports. Consider if some work can be transferred to your own team by hiring key staff or lobbying for an organizational change so you have more control.
Finally, never “give up” on the relationship. It’s better to avoid making enemies. If you can, partner with your peer in areas of shared interest, and negotiate with them in areas of friction. That kind of complex geopolitics is a common flavor of peer relationships, especially at senior levels. Just be careful not to send signals that a peer’s bad behavior is OK, as this may normalize it.
Even after you have applied these measures, there still may be no easy fix. Often the final solution comes when either your peer, or you, leave the company. Short of that, these strategies can help you make the most of a painful reality of organizational life.